Funny

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known,
then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.


I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.


Eternity is very long, especially near the end.


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.


If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten


If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.


If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.


It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me.
Therefore, not lifting weights makes me stronger.

Always tell the truth. Even if you have to make it up

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like
my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof."

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

You should never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.